I haven't figured out how to move a post from one blog to another, so here are the links to the first three posts of "putting it all out there."
http://rayannsbadassbullshit.blogspot.com/2010/04/laying-it-all-out-there.html
http://rayannsbadassbullshit.blogspot.com/2010/04/laying-it-all-out-there-part-2.html
http://rayannsbadassbullshit.blogspot.com/2010/05/laying-it-all-out-there-part-3.html
Friday, May 28, 2010
feeling safe
Yesterday I woke up feeling very safe, as though everything was ok. It was really nice. I have wondered if I would ever be able to experience what complete safety feels like. It has been difficult to imagine. Even right now, I know there is no one in this house but me, and that the immediate chances of gunmen and/or rapists coming by to knock down the door and get me are slim to none. But I’m still scared.
I don’t really know how to not be afraid. I have been learning how to keep my fear from overwhelming me, from dictating my life, from preventing me from living the way I deserve to live. But all of that involves a deliberate cognitive process.
I have learned to prepare myself when I recognize that I am going to have a flash back, or just remember something horrible. I actually figured that out pretty early on in the recovery process – I had a lot of opportunities to get used to it. At this point in my day to day thinking, I know that I can reassure myself that I am in the present and not in the past, and that at most moments I am safe, and then I can remember stuff without it paralyzing me with fear and horror.
This is how I pretty much make it through each day. Not that I have constant flash backs, but that I have constant fear. It is my natural state. The idea of not being afraid scares the shit out of me. What if I let my guard down, and that is the moment my dad happens to show up to bludgeon me to death?
It may not be likely, but it is entirely within the realm of possibility for him to do this. It seriously is. And I don’t look at that scenario with any factors outside of him just showing up and killing me. Sometimes I think about how I could get away out the back door and run to the neighbors’ house, or just down the street, but for the most part there is just him killing me, and that’s that.
The most frightening scenario involves the kids being home when he comes to kill me. I mean, its not like he has superpowers or is invincible. While it is horrendous to think of my kids having to be exposed to anything like someone attacking their mother, they are pretty feisty boys, and I think it would be realistic to consider the fact that the three of us could kick my dad’s ass. But what if we couldn’t? That’s why that is so scary.
A less frightening scenario involves Jonny being here. Jonny would love a chance to have a go at my dad. I feel pretty confident Jonny could take my dad on, if not alone, then together with me. We could totally take him down.
What would we do if we did take him down? Here is where it starts to get tricky and my imagination turns more toward very bad things rather than my kids and I, or my husband and I, beating the shit out of my dad.
Its kind of strange that I don’t think of my kids and I, or of my husband and I, beating the shit out of my dad as one of those “very bad things.”
I don’t like to think much about any of it after that, and so I don’t.
But the thing is, I really have to work at keeping my mind right here right now. It’s getting easier as time goes on and I have more and more practice, but will there ever be a time when I just simply feel safe? When I don’t have to convince myself that torture and/or death is imminent?
Yesterday morning when I woke up, that is exactly how I felt. It was kind of like when I’m having a really sweet dream and I try to stay asleep to keep it from ending, but with the “everything is ok” feeling, I was actually able to carry it into my awake world for about two minutes. It was fantastic.
It gave me a lot of hope, not just because I now know its possible for me to feel that way, but also because it reminded me that I have felt that way before.
I think the most common time I have felt that way in the past was when I was at a friend’s house and their parents were out of town, or at least not expected back for a while. I was able to just BE in the moment without any feeling of impending doom. Of course, these times often involved illegal drug and/or alcohol consumption, but I know that there were moments when I was stone sober and just felt safe.
It was good to remember that I did have some peace when I was growing up, because I honestly could not remember having any at all as a kid. I have thought to myself, there must have been fun times, right? I mean, I remember laughing and messing around and having happy family times, even with my dad there.
But then when I think about those times more closely, I cannot grasp the idea that they truly were without fear. So many of the memories I had categorized as “happy” were actually the befores and the afters of the horrible things I had completely blocked out. And so I wonder, did I ever truly feel safe as a kid?
I am happy to say that, yes, I did. That feeling yesterday morning was strange and foreign but not completely alien. Even though it only lasted a couple of minutes after I woke up, it reminded me that I am not someone who had a completely shitty childhood, or someone who is too broken now to ever feel safe.
These things are nice to know.
I don’t really know how to not be afraid. I have been learning how to keep my fear from overwhelming me, from dictating my life, from preventing me from living the way I deserve to live. But all of that involves a deliberate cognitive process.
I have learned to prepare myself when I recognize that I am going to have a flash back, or just remember something horrible. I actually figured that out pretty early on in the recovery process – I had a lot of opportunities to get used to it. At this point in my day to day thinking, I know that I can reassure myself that I am in the present and not in the past, and that at most moments I am safe, and then I can remember stuff without it paralyzing me with fear and horror.
This is how I pretty much make it through each day. Not that I have constant flash backs, but that I have constant fear. It is my natural state. The idea of not being afraid scares the shit out of me. What if I let my guard down, and that is the moment my dad happens to show up to bludgeon me to death?
It may not be likely, but it is entirely within the realm of possibility for him to do this. It seriously is. And I don’t look at that scenario with any factors outside of him just showing up and killing me. Sometimes I think about how I could get away out the back door and run to the neighbors’ house, or just down the street, but for the most part there is just him killing me, and that’s that.
The most frightening scenario involves the kids being home when he comes to kill me. I mean, its not like he has superpowers or is invincible. While it is horrendous to think of my kids having to be exposed to anything like someone attacking their mother, they are pretty feisty boys, and I think it would be realistic to consider the fact that the three of us could kick my dad’s ass. But what if we couldn’t? That’s why that is so scary.
A less frightening scenario involves Jonny being here. Jonny would love a chance to have a go at my dad. I feel pretty confident Jonny could take my dad on, if not alone, then together with me. We could totally take him down.
What would we do if we did take him down? Here is where it starts to get tricky and my imagination turns more toward very bad things rather than my kids and I, or my husband and I, beating the shit out of my dad.
Its kind of strange that I don’t think of my kids and I, or of my husband and I, beating the shit out of my dad as one of those “very bad things.”
I don’t like to think much about any of it after that, and so I don’t.
But the thing is, I really have to work at keeping my mind right here right now. It’s getting easier as time goes on and I have more and more practice, but will there ever be a time when I just simply feel safe? When I don’t have to convince myself that torture and/or death is imminent?
Yesterday morning when I woke up, that is exactly how I felt. It was kind of like when I’m having a really sweet dream and I try to stay asleep to keep it from ending, but with the “everything is ok” feeling, I was actually able to carry it into my awake world for about two minutes. It was fantastic.
It gave me a lot of hope, not just because I now know its possible for me to feel that way, but also because it reminded me that I have felt that way before.
I think the most common time I have felt that way in the past was when I was at a friend’s house and their parents were out of town, or at least not expected back for a while. I was able to just BE in the moment without any feeling of impending doom. Of course, these times often involved illegal drug and/or alcohol consumption, but I know that there were moments when I was stone sober and just felt safe.
It was good to remember that I did have some peace when I was growing up, because I honestly could not remember having any at all as a kid. I have thought to myself, there must have been fun times, right? I mean, I remember laughing and messing around and having happy family times, even with my dad there.
But then when I think about those times more closely, I cannot grasp the idea that they truly were without fear. So many of the memories I had categorized as “happy” were actually the befores and the afters of the horrible things I had completely blocked out. And so I wonder, did I ever truly feel safe as a kid?
I am happy to say that, yes, I did. That feeling yesterday morning was strange and foreign but not completely alien. Even though it only lasted a couple of minutes after I woke up, it reminded me that I am not someone who had a completely shitty childhood, or someone who is too broken now to ever feel safe.
These things are nice to know.
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