part 36

Forgiveness is a strange concept. I guess the most common way I have heard it used is in the form of someone asking another if they could ever forgive them for something bad they did to hurt them. I have also heard the concept of forgiveness as a requirement a victim must grant in order to allow the harmer to go on with their lives.

It seems as though begging for forgiveness is an accepted way to demonstrate contrition for bad or harmful acts. If you can ask for forgiveness, then it means you are not a hopelessly evil person. If you are forgiven by the person you hurt, then it means the person you hurt has risen above pain and let it go for the betterment of peace, or something like that.

Forgiveness has been encouraged throughout my lifetime. It is important to forgive others so that I can be forgiven. This is a concept I learned in church. If I am holding on to all of the bad feelings I’ve had in response to someone harming me, then my arms are not open or available to receive forgiveness for my own harm to others.

In this way, it seems as though forgiveness becomes an obligation. If I am not willing to forgive someone, then I am not going to be able to live a happy and peaceful life. If I view my unwillingness to forgive someone as a means of hurting them back, then I am just as bad as the person who has harmed me. I have stooped to their level. I am allowing spite to keep me from being happy.

When the subject of forgiveness comes up concerning the things my dad has done to me, I am not really sure where I stand. I have been told over and over that forgiving him for what he did does not mean that I condone his actions, or in any way say that what he did was okay.

I have been taught that forgiveness is more for me than for the other person. I have come to truly believe that as well. I don’t think my dad gives a shit if I forgive him, because I don’t think he really believes anything he has done to me has been wrong.

Is being able to forgive him contingent upon his ability and willingness to acknowledge wrongdoing? Am I not able to forgive him unless he repents? Unless he apologizes? Unless he begs for my forgiveness?

I don’t think so. I mean, I am not trying to purport to know the ins and outs and wisdom and whatnot about forgiveness, but I have definitely been trying to take an honest look at myself and others and what certain things mean or don’t mean.

As far as forgiveness is concerned, my attempts to look at something I thought was simple have turned the entire concept into a big, slippery, icy puddle. I question what I have been taught – is forgiveness really necessary for me to move on with my life and be happy?

What exactly does forgiveness mean, anyway?

I used to think it meant that I was not mad anymore at someone who hurt me. As a person who has hurt others, I suppose I looked at being granted forgiveness as an allowance to move on without having to worry that my actions can continuously cause someone else pain. I mean, that would mean guilt for the rest of my days until the person I hurt is willing to forgive me.

So back to my willingness to forgive my dad: would it mean that he would feel guilty for the rest of his days until I was willing to forgive him?

I don’t think so. I don’t think that is what forgiveness is about at all. To be perfectly honest, the entire concept of forgiveness is pretty muddy in my mind. I think maybe I just don’t get it.

What I do get is that if I make this decision or transformation or whatever and forgive my dad, I am saying that it is okay with me for him to go about his life without having to be constantly reminded of the things he did to hurt me.

It is saying that I can love him as a person despite the pain he has caused me. It is saying that I am somehow morally or spiritually superior because I can turn the other cheek and go on with my life, and still love him regardless, or not love him and go on with my life, or whatever.

But I want what is real – I want whatever the truth is. At this moment in time, my version of “the truth will set you free” looks more like “cut the shit already.” My version of “forgiveness” looks more like “I will do my best to accept what you did to me and that I cannot change it and to not let it get in the way of living my life.”

I can’t make any promises along the lines of, “I no longer harbor any ill will,” because I do harbor ill will. I don’t know if I always will harbor ill will, but I know that I do sometimes and sometimes I don’t. I feel like forgiveness is saying that I am no longer willing to feel pain because of what someone did, and in return, I will live a better life.

Forgiveness seems so final, like a decision to be made and adhered to for all eternity. But that’s not how it really is for me. Sometimes I feel like I am perfectly willing to completely let go of my bad feelings toward my dad, and accept my pain, and to not be angry about it anymore.

But then sometimes I am angry, and I do not feel like I can free my bad feelings toward my dad, because I don’t think those bad feelings are ever going to go away. It’s not that I don’t want them to go away, it’s that he did some really fucked up shit to me and it has melded into my brain like a very well established tumor.

It is part of who I am. Whether I want to accept that or not, and that varies on a daily basis as well, it is what it is.

I want to be sparkly and purple, but someone else already painted me a flat black before I had any say in the matter. That shit is permanent, too.

I don’t know. I know that I will never be completely purple and sparkly, and I know that I will never not be flat black. But I am learning how to live with sparkly purple integrated into flat black, and I am starting to think it is a pretty color, even if it is not what I wanted it to be.

Right now, forgiveness feels like I would have to somehow give that up. It feels like I would be saying, okay, so there’s a bunch of flat black all over the place and I can’t change it, but I will do my best to paint over it and to try not to remember that it is there. It feels like I would be saying that I used to be flat black, but now I am sparkly purple.

But that’s not true! It’s not real! It’s not honest! I AM flat black and I AM sparkly purple. I am also a lot of other colors that I happen to discover or to add to myself, or that I accidently run into or get splashed by along the way.

That’s what feels real to me right now. That is what feels honest. And forgiveness, whatever it means, does not feel real or honest right now.