I haven’t written in a while – that is actually why I am writing now. I feel like I need to write something. Everything in my life though, has been very peaceful lately. That is something I am really enjoying simply experiencing rather than analyzing.
There are a lot of things still up in the air concerning my dad, things completely beyond my control and how his past could affect my future. I do feel anxious about it, but it is not consuming me. Not being consumed with fear and violence and disgust and shame sure does leave a lot of room for other things.
Being able to laugh and smile and brush my teeth and make my bed and hang out with my family and pay bills and do homework and go to the store and tie up the loose ends of daily life is an amazing experience. I have always thought of myself just having a really hard time getting these things done, but as I wrote in my last post, I am coming to accept that I was not able to do them – I did not possess the capacity to successfully participate in the mundane. I’m definitely learning how to now, though.
I didn’t realize how satisfying the mundane can be. It is all the more satisfying since I am able to realize what a blessing it is to simply be where I am in my life right now.
I watch other people. I see people interacting with each other, and reacting to the things around them, and how it seems as though many of them find no challenge in grocery shopping or going to the bank. Their lives seem to be a consistently flowing stream. The activities and experiences are all moving along together with their minds.
I am starting to feel what that is like, and I wonder if those people know how amazing it is to be able to live as a consistently flowing stream. Do people not realize the beauty of peace and balance until something throws it all out of whack, or is it as obvious to everyone else as it is to me?
Do people who have never had peace and balance know they can find it? I never considered myself as someone who would find peace or balance anywhere in my life. I just tried to accept that I was weird and difficult to approach and misunderstood and that sometimes that is just how people are. It was so lonely, but I tried to just accept it and move on.
Where did I get such a sense of doomed resolution so early in life? Probably from my dad. He’s dead now, though, so the idea that I have recognized yet one more way his abuse has stained my life is not something that makes me terribly angry or afraid. It just feels like this: sigh.
And then it feels like this: “wow – the weather and my brain are so peaceful today! I am going to sit among all of that peace and just feel how good it feels to feel good.”
Huh.
Okay, well, being peaceful is kind of boring to write about. I am going to continue to enjoy this beautiful, peaceful day, and maybe do some math homework (which is remarkably no longer horrifically unpeaceful).
Laters!
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