Part 52

There has been a question that keeps coming up over and over again: how did my mom not know what was going on?

Other people ask me this question a lot, in person and in messages and comments on my blog and on Facebook.

I don’t remember ever addressing this on my blog, so I will do that now.

I have recovered memories of specifically telling my mom what happened to me at one of the neighbor’s houses. I was maybe seven years old. I am not aware that any action was taken by any adult concerning this information.

I specifically remember telling my mom about my dad tying me to a tree when I was 15. Nothing happened then, either.

So, the logical and painful question is, why didn’t my mom do anything and how did she not see all of the things that were happening?

I am copying and pasting text from a Facebook conversation that addresses this issue. Here it is:

Hi Rebecca,
I have been following your blog, and there is a question that keeps coming up for me. As I read about the horror that you endured at the hands of your father and neighbors, I can't help but wonder...where was your mom when all of this was going on? How can a mother not know that these awful things are happening to her child? As a mother, I feel that I would know if there was something shady going on that involved my children, I feel like I would sense it. I know that the effects of abuse are far-reaching, and I am in NO WAY putting any blame on your mom, it's just hard to understand how a mother wouldn't know that such severe abuse was happening in her home. 

I have two young daughters, and it can be overwhelming to think of all of the evils of the world that I must protect them from. But, I would straight up kill a motherfucker if they layed a hand on my girls, as I think you would for your boys. Once again, I am in no way blaming your mom for anything, I guess I'm just trying to understand it all. 

I hope that I'm not getting too "all up in your business" or anything. And, you totally don't have to answer if you don't want to. It's just scary to think that something like this could be happening and a mother might not know.

MY RESPONSE:
I really don't mind answering questions - you are actually the second or third person to ask me that specifically. I may just post a blog on it.

It is funny you asked now, though, because the night before last I sat down with my mom and I reminded/confronted her of the times I told her things were happening to me when I was little, and nothing happened. She has been really good at acknowledging things like that now - it doesn't make up for what she could/should have done at the time, but it helps my recovery tremendously today.

There are a few factors as to how my mom avoided seeing everything that was going on. One of the biggest is that she is remarkably talented at keeping her head up her ass. She learned how to not see anything bad when she was growing up in her own violent childhood home. That talent served her very well as an adult, too.

Another factor is that my dad started laying the foundation of discrediting anything I said very early on in my life. He told people - including my mom - that I lied about everything. I was five years old and my dad was telling my mom I lied all the time because I was so set on breaking up their marriage (I mean, ?). These kinds of things allowed my mom - and everyone else - to turn their heads the other way without too much guilt.

As I got older, my dad also began to weave in the notion that I was crazy. This was really easy for a lot of people to believe, too. He would tell people I was not "taking my medication" if I did anything to openly confront him about anything - he continued that strategy until the last time I saw or spoke to him.

One of the biggest factors, I believe, that contributed to all of this shit going on "unnoticed" is that it is always, ALWAYS easier to look the other way. The things my dad and neighbors did to me were horrendous, but it was so easy to contribute any claims I made or alarming or harmful behavior people saw to the crazy-lying-non-medication-taking stuff. It was simply easier to believe that shit than it was to consider that what I was saying could possibly be true.

What was particularly difficult for me was that I WAS crazy, I did lie, and I did take medication: I was obviously harmed psychologically by my experiences, the lying I did primarily consisted of my attempts to minimize and hide each little thing that happened to me, and I started taking Ritalin when I was 11. Just enough stuff to get me to believe in the lies, too (there is a lot of shame associated with that, but hey - I'm still in therapy, so I'm sure I will work it out one day).

It was all basically a very diabolical and constant mind fuck that no one looked at long enough to try and stop, or to even acknowledge was happening.

As a victim and a parent, my suggestion to you as a parent would be to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If you think something is off with either of your girls (or any other kid), there is probably something that is off. It may not be sexual abuse, and may be as simple as something they saw on tv and do not understand, but there is most likely something there hurting or confusing them in some way.

I also try to be as open and honest with my kids - about EVERYTHING - as I can, no matter how difficult or embarrassing or uncomfortable I am. I obviously try not to traumatize them with graphic details - it is a difficult line to walk.

This is not always possible to accomplish, but it is the best I know I can do to protect my kids, and any one else's kids,too. I would rather be seen as a paranoid and histrionic maniac by the entire world than fail to say something that could help someone.

That doesn't mean I always step up - it is really, really tough shit to address with anyone at any time. However, I don't think that is okay as an excuse for me or anyone else, including my mom, to look the other way.

Any-hoo! Hope that gives you some insight. Please feel free to ask anything you want - if I am uncomfortable answering, then I won't answer :)

MY FRIEND’S RESPONSE TO MY RESPONSE:

Wow...what a tangled web. I can't imagine the guilt that your mom lives with everyday. 

Thanks for all your candid info. I agree with you about the importance of being honest and open with our children. I have always been totally honest with my girls about their bodies and what is appropriate and what is not. And, I feel honored that I have 2 daughters with whom I can share all of the info that I have learned throughout my journey. Since becoming a mother at a young age, and being aware of the statistics surrounding abuse and girls (1 in 4 I think?), it has been my goal to get them raised without suffering through any abuse or severe trauma. So far, so good. AND, they are total little bad-ass spitfires. Sassy as the day is long. But, that sass will serve them well in this life.

END OF MESSAGES

So that’s that (by that I mean that’s the end of that e-mail conversation, not the discussion on the topic - the whole issue of my mom and other people who could have done something to stop my abusers and didn’t will probably be one of those things that is always out there).

FYI – I really do appreciate getting messages and comments, even if the person asking the question is concerned they are crossing a line or being nosy. As I mentioned in the above conversation, if I don’t want to answer a particular question, then I won’t. Talking about it is important, though. It is a great way to perpetuate the exposure of these crimes, which I believe is the only way to stop them from happening.

It is not comfortable, but it is real. I have my voice and I have my truth, and those can be very powerful influences on anyone. I definitely know that much.

p.s. thanks to my friend for taking the risk of upsetting me to ask questions that are important to her - one of the hardest parts of being a parent. and also thanks for letting me post our conversation :)