part 62

I’ve decided to launch a campaign to expose abusers. I kind of know what I am doing, but I think this will most likely be a learning experience.

I think one of the first things I will do is organize an event. I am thinking some sort of silent protest type of thing, possibly in front of my old neighborhood. Nothing big – just a couple of signs that say something like “EXPOSE PREDATORS” or “IS YOUR NEIGHBOR A RAPIST?” or “IS YOUR NEIGHBOR A PEDOPHILE?”

The thing is, I am pretty frustrated by my lack of action in response to the things that happened to me. I want to tell people – and by people, I mean anyone whose ear is within range of my voice – that sex trafficking of children happens in upper-middle class suburban neighborhoods; that child molestation and rape do not discriminate based on race or socio-economic status; that it IS possible that your neighbor you have known for thirty years is a sexual predator, and you have never noticed.

I have been thinking about how much it hurts to know that the people I grew up with are not going to do anything about the fact that their husbands and neighbors molested and raped me. I can empathize with them and see where they are coming from, how it would be so difficult to acknowledge these things.

This is one of those things that pulls the rug out entirely from under people’s lives. It is a painful, abrupt process.

I can even imagine being in those neighbors’ shoes – what would happen if a girl who grew up on my street came out and said that my husband molested or raped her twenty years after the fact?

I can imagine it would be terribly upsetting, even devastating. I would ask myself how I could have not been aware of this character in the person I have been married to for decades. I would ask myself if I did actually recognize this character in the person I have been married to for decades, but chose to look the other way. I would ask myself if I am at fault, if I will be harmed by someone if I don’t adamantly deny the accusation, if I will lose everything I have if I even consider the possibility that it may be true.

I was married to my ex-husband for about two years. Facing the failure of that relationship and seeing everything I invested of myself in it slipping away was very difficult. I did not want to be married to that person any more, but I had such high hopes for the future, and such confidence in my determination to make it work. I did not want to accept that everything I put so much time and energy and love into had failed.

That was after TWO YEARS. I cannot even begin to fathom what a threat to a THIRTY or FORTY year marriage would be like.

I mean, that’s what I am doing by telling on these men. I am putting their wives and children and all of the other neighbors in the extremely uncomfortable position of having to make some sort of choice about what their reaction to this information will be.

There are a lot of options, and combinations of options. On one end is the option to acknowledge and accept what I have said as being true, and to make that position known. On the other end is the option of completely denying that what I have said could possibly be true, and to hire a lawyer in an attempt to intimidate me and/or refute my allegations.

Right in the middle is the option of not doing anything at all. Nobody has to acknowledge or deny – to themselves or anyone else – that this subject was ever even brought to the table.

It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of anyone else, or what anyone does or does not do. I personally do not have any control over whatever the reaction to this is going to be.

I can control telling people about it, and I have. I can control walking down that street with my head up high, and I have. I can control how I go about voicing my opinions and expectations of the people involved, and I have.

I cannot control what those people actually do, though.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what has been alleged or proven or claimed or exposed. It also doesn’t matter if society says that the right thing to do is to renounce those men and state unwavering support for me.

The actual definition of what is “right” does not even matter.

I can feel sad and indignant and deeply hurt all day long about how the village that raised me did not do anything to keep me safe when I was little, and is not doing anything to support me now.

I do feel sad and indignant and deeply hurt. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? My feelings and expectations may sway some people one way or another, but they cannot make what happened to me go away. They cannot erase what those men did to me, or what others did not do to make it stop.

Also, feeling sad and indignant and hurt – while certainly valid and even understandable – is not fun. It is not peaceful. It is not happy. It is not loving or safe or hopeful. There is nothing content or satisfying in feeling that way.

But those feelings have a lot of power in them – they are “powerful emotions.” Power is something I can work with. Power is something I did not have when I was growing up.

Did getting this power require going through horrendous experiences and feeling unspeakable physical and mental pain? Is that how it works? Is that why there is pain in the world, why there is suffering? So that power can be materialized in individuals? In me?

I don’t fucking know. I know that I have gone through horrendous experiences and that I have felt unspeakable physical and mental pain. I know that I have acquired power as a result of these things, but that power is limited to myself only.

I have the power to do what I can do in each moment, and if I am frustrated by my lack of action in response to revealing the things that happened to me, then I guess I should get off my ass and start acting.

I can stand at the entry to my neighborhood and hold up a sign that says “IS YOUR NEIGHBOR A PEDOPHILE?” or “IS YOUR NEIGHBOR A RAPIST?” or “EXPOSE PREDATORS.”

I can do that. I have that power. I have that courage.

If you see someone standing in front of your neighborhood holding up a sign that says something about exposing predators and rapists, you can know that person has that courage and power, too.

And you can think about who your neighbors are – who your husbands and wives and parents and children and friends are – and ask yourself if you have been looking the other way when you could have been helping to keep a child safe.


*** addendum*** I am not going run off half-cocked and randomly march around and yell in front of different peoples' houses. I would like to clarify that I am actually considering doing an actual campaign - one that involves careful planning and includes obtaining the necessary permits from the city.