part 70

Here is the thing about evil: it eats your mind and your heart and your soul consistently over your lifetime. If you are not fortunate enough to be killed suddenly in the midst of some freak accident, evil will kill you, too. It is a slow and painful way to die.

The things that my dad and my neighbors and even my mom did to me are evil. I don’t know if they recognize that by hurting me in the ways they did, they have condemned themselves to misery. I don’t know if they recognize that what they did was even evil at all.

Evil people are not happy. They might be rich and powerful, but they are not happy. Evil is the opposite of happiness.

Of course, people can always attempt to convince themselves that they are happy when they are not. It is another quality of being human. The problem is when the pretend happiness is confronted by the real evil.

Hurting other people is real evil, no matter how it may be justified. Hurting other people is evil, and the more you hurt other people, the more evil hurts you.

I truly believe that when my pretend happiness is confronted by my real evil, I have a choice about how to handle it. I can deny it is real (despite insurmountable and irrefutable proof of varying degrees) and continue to hold onto and feed off of that evil and thereby have only pretend happiness.

Or I can acknowledge and accept it, and thereby reduce the damage to myself from my evil. This is a painful thing to do, but it is the only way I know how to separate myself from that evil, and to find peace in my life.

A few years ago, I was planning out how I was going to kill my dad. I had justified it from every different angle.

The one thing I couldn’t get around, though, is that it was my real evil, my capability of taking someone else’s life regardless of the reasons behind it. Carrying that evil with me and using it to pull the trigger of a gun aimed at my dad’s face would have done a lot more harm to me, maybe even more harm than he did to me.

At the time I was planning to kill my dad, I couldn’t conceive of any other resolution to the problem of his existence and my conscious knowledge of what he did to me and to other people. I didn’t end up killing him though – it took a few more years, but he died on his own by holding on to all of that evil.

I’m very grateful that he is dead and that I didn’t kill him.

I still have the realization that I could and would kill another human being, though the other human being I could have and would have killed is already dead. Granted, the other human being was an incredibly evil and dangerous human being who had harmed me and others beyond anyone’s imagination, but still – he was human. I can call him a monster and say that he deserved to die, but it doesn’t make him not a human.

He was a big, giant, disgusting, horrific, festering ball of stinking, rotten pus – but he was still a human.

I honestly do not believe I would have had any problem killing him, or any remorse that he was dead. But I would be carrying the evil of killing someone else, and I would have to live with it, and it would eat at me for the rest of my life.

It wasn’t about what was right or wrong or what he did or did not deserve – it was the damage I would be doing to myself as a result of killing him. It also would have had horrible consequences for my family and loved ones – again, I am very grateful he is dead and that I didn’t kill him.

He was almost completely consumed with evil the last time I saw him, about seven years ago. That is a lot of evil.

I am not the only person my dad hurt. I saw him hurting other people. He brought me along. He wanted me to be his protégé. He believed he was god and he wanted to pass his supernatural powers down to me – a person created of his own blood. He was very proud of that – creating a person of his own blood.

He believed it was passed on to him by his father – that he was somehow special and chosen to be the next generation, I guess, and he wanted to pass it down to me.

If my grandfather exposed my dad to the same types of things my dad exposed me to, it would be very easy to see how he got so fucked up, how he came to warp reality and to believe that he had all of this power over human beings. The things he did to prove to himself that he had these powers came about in the form of raping and torturing me.

They also came about in the way that he hurt other people, and how he made me watch, and how he wanted so badly for me to participate so I could carry on his powers and he could become a legend, as he saw his own dad. I guess he thought if he could do these atrocious things to other human beings, it proved his godly superiority and control over them.

Very, very sick, and absolutely bat-shit crazy.

Okay, I am shaking like a leaf in a tornado and also feel like I am going to throw up, so I’m going to move on now. I’m glad I know how to type because no one would be able to read my super-shaky handwriting.

I did have a point – my neighbors – the men and the women – have been fabricating their own happiness for years. I confronted them with their real evil. They are pretty pissed about it, too.

But they are also suffering because of it.

Sometimes this is not such a great comfort to me, but being exposed to so much evil and seeing what it does to the people carrying it gives me a sense of peace in the midst of the fury and the pain those people caused.

I don’t have to do anything to retaliate. I don’t have to sue them, or somehow force them to become accountable, or throw eggs at their houses, or be consumed with an ingenious plan for ultimate revenge a la The Count of Monte Cristo– not only would all of those things hurt me more, it would force me to think about those assholes almost constantly, and they are certainly not worth the energy.

In hurting me, they created their own punishments. I am not really sure exactly how evil works or how to avoid it or heal from it, but I do know that doing the things those people did to me sealed a very unpleasant fate for them. Having been confronted, I know their minds are being eaten up even faster with the evil they have carried and tried to pretend was not there.

So I had my say. I don’t need to do anything else to resolve the situation. They will make themselves more miserable than I ever could, and I don’t have to carry around anymore evil for it. I also don’t have to put myself in the position of determining what should or should not happen, or what they do or do not deserve – being free of that kind of responsibility makes happiness much easier, and I really like having the ability to be happy.