part 80

So there is this thing about writing about the things my mom and brother and sister do - I mostly have tried to avoid it in this public forum.

I started to write more about my mom in the past few months, because that is what I have really been struggling with, and if I am not writing all of this to help myself, then what is the point?

I have decided that I will go ahead and cross some more lines and write about my sister and brother, too.

It's been an intense weekend.

I have been really grateful for the support my brother has shown for me, particularly since I started talking about my mom and her involvement with the abuse. I have been anxious about it though, because I know he doesn't believe anything bad about my mom. I made it very clear to him, though - as I have to everyone else - that I am not asking anyone to believe me.

I know the issue of my mom is especially difficult for my brother because, well, my mom is his mom, too.

He has been very consistent, though, in keeping in touch with me and reconfirming his support for me.

As previously mentioned, I have been anxious about talking to my brother because I don't believe he finds me credible. He has been really careful to walk a fine line between fully supporting me and my claims against everyone but my mom, and wanting to continue to be supportive of me.

That's fine.

I have been playing my part in keeping conversations superficial in order to maintain that relationship with him.

I started getting a little tired of the dancing-around-the-elephant-in-the-room thing, though, and finally straight up asked him about my mom. I hadn't heard anything from her or about her and I have been imagining her going on with her life with her head high while gracefully acknowledging this newest blow to her in her difficult - but innocent - life. I don't want to talk to her at all, but it still bothers me that she hasn't tried to call, and I have been pretty surprised at how clean the cut has been between the two of us.

She hasn't tried to discuss any of it with me, or let me know she loves me anyway, or anything like that. She has, though, apparently been running her campaign against me pretty full force. I mean, it’s the same campaign that's been run against me since I was born, but it is strange being so much more aware of it now.

When I first confronted my mom about her part in the abuse, she came right out and told me that I was having false memories and obviously was coming up with these things in my mind because I am so angry at her for not protecting me when I was growing up, and that the things I said she's done are angry projections.

This past weekend when I last spoke with my brother, I asked him why he thought I would do something like make up all of this shit about my mom. He admitted to me that he believed I manipulated people like my dad did, and that me saying the stuff about my mom is something I am doing maliciously to manipulate people, and everything I said after that he contributed to another effort of mine to manipulate him. He also was "concerned" that my husband and kids are only getting my version of events, and that I was isolating them from other sources of information so that I could control their perceptions of the situation.

Then my sister called to explain to me that it is a strongly supported fact that it is possible for someone who was abused as a child to experience a psychotic break as an adult. I told her I haven't had a psychotic break, but she still tried to convince me of it anyway.

After that, my brother called my husband and let him know that I was a malicious manipulator and that I have the same characteristics as a sociopath (just like my dad). My brother also wanted to make sure my husband heard a different side of the story than mine, and to let him know that I was probably manipulating him, too.

I expected as much from my sister, but I have to say I was a bit surprised at my brother for calling my husband and warning him about how psycho he thinks I am. I thought that was very rude.

I don't think my mom or my sister or my brother have realized that I actually have a pretty firm grip on reality, and that suggesting that I am like my dad or straight up delusional and psychotic will not make me melt into a puddle of doubt and neurosis about who I am or what my motivations are.

Who can blame them for trying, though, because it has always worked before.

Anyway, this has all been disheartening, to say the least.

Sigh.

I suppose I will be accused of writing this stuff about them on my blog as a way to get back at them for continuing to do what they have been doing since we have all been alive, which is to convince me that I am evil and/or crazy.

I don't really give a shit - seriously, once again, what the fuck else is new? I also think that if they are concerned about what I might write about them on my blog, they should maybe stop being such assholes to me. After all, they should be well-aware by now that I do not fear the truth, and I do not fear sharing the truth with the whole world.

I don't expect that to happen, though. One thing I have learned very well over the past few years is how pompous and narcissistic and self-indulgent we all are. My mom, my dad, me, my sister, and my brother - we have always sincerely believed that we knew more than anyone else, and that the only possibility concerning anything at all cannot be anything other than the way we see it.

I didn't figure this out on my own, but as I have gotten healthier, my therapist has noted the changes in who I am, and one of those changes is that I am not quite so narcissistic as when I first began therapy with her. I'm not going to lie - I did not like hearing that.

But I couldn't deny that it was true. One of the most painful things for me to do has been dismantling my certainty in my own intellect and abilities. It is a tricky process because I am also trying to learn to have confidence in myself as a good person, and it all gets pretty oxymoronic sometimes.

I have found, though, that the less I foolishly claim to be certain of, the more peace and confidence I have about simply who I am.

I follow the Dalai Lama on twitter, and he is always posting things about how tolerance of myself will lead to tolerance of others, and vice versa, and that this is imperative to maintaining peace, health, and happiness.

Peace, health, and happiness are not things I am accustomed to, but I know that I would like to be. If it takes admitting that I have been a great big, cocky, narcissistic, nasty bitch for most of my life, then I guess that is what it takes.

Besides, acknowledging and admitting and accepting all of the ways that I am obnoxious and imperfect has really made it easier for me to stop hating who I have been in the past, and to start liking who I am now. It really is imperative to my having peace and health and happiness.

Even though it would be so much fun to have money, I would gladly give up every dime just to hold on to that peace and health and happiness, and to pass it on to the people I love. Considering all of my experiences, past and present, a peaceful state of mind is what heaven is, and it is incredibly humbling to be able to experience heaven in this hellish world.