It’s been a pretty tough week. I’m glad it’s my spring
break, and I don’t have to feel guilty about not going to school.
We went out of town last week – it was AMAZING. I didn’t
twitch, I went out multiple times each day, I acted like a tourist – it was so,
so, so nice.
I was ready to go home by the time we left that last day,
but I had not expected how coming back here would affect me. I mean, I expected
that I would be anxious and not happy about being back, but I had not expected
to get knocked on my ass.
We got home on Thursday, and some family drama ensued, and I
could not handle it. What happened wasn’t anything new – just regular parents
and kids stuff, but I could not deal with it. At all. I left.
I tried to check into a hotel, but I had my dog with me and
I couldn’t find a place that would take pets, so I went back home. I went to
bed and I didn’t get up for two days.
All day Friday was a nightmare. I was crushed. Anytime I
thought about being here and being so close to the people who hurt me, and the
possibility of seeing any of them in passing, I cried. I desperately wanted
some kind of parent to come over and give me a hug and enough money to move out
of here.
It was kind of a serious episode, and I was very aware of
that as I was experiencing it. I was actually really scared that I would have
to go back to the hospital. I described the experience as “mental-hospital
depressed,” and that I was “mental-hospital crying” all day.
Saturday I was surprised to find that I felt better, that
things still sucked, but I could breathe again. I got out of bed some – I set a
goal to unpack from our trip and to take a shower. I got the unpacking done,
but not the shower. I felt pretty good about the unpacking, so I wasn’t too
bummed about the not showering.
On Sunday, our neighbor friend came by, and I was talking to
her about some stuff I wanted to get done on the house, and she was like, “oh,
I can help you.” And she started pulling up the carpet, and I was like, “well,
I guess we’re taking the carpet out today.”
She actually had to leave about twenty minutes after that,
but I had already gotten some momentum. I put a bra on and changed out of my
jammy pants and got to work. Jonny and the kids and I had the old carpet out
and the new flooring down before it even got dark.
That felt really good. I even took a shower! It had been
five days since I last showered, and I was getting kind of scared about it. It
was really a relief to be clean and have on clean clothes (still jammies) and
have the living room looking so nice with the new floor.
The past three days have been the same – staying in bed most
of the day, getting up to eat and take care of some bills and things like that.
I haven’t showered again, but that is my goal for today: shower and get my latest
pile of garbage cleaned up and out of the house.
Also, therapy is today. I’m relieved to be going because
I’ve been having such a hard time and I need it, but I haven’t left the house
in six days – not even to get the mail – and I am already getting nauseous
about going up there this afternoon. Maybe I will take my dog with me – I’ve
done that before and it really made it easier to leave.
Yeah, that is definitely what I am going to do. So my goals
today are to shower, clean up the garbage pile, and go to therapy. It’s a lot
for one day, but I feel pretty confident about getting it done.
I have a meeting tomorrow, too, and I might not get to
putting on makeup to go to therapy, but I definitely will before that meeting.
Putting makeup on makes me feel so much better, and it’s a relief knowing that
I have occasions other than being awake to dress up for. (by “dress up” I mean
not pajamas)
I had been doing really well at school, keeping up with
assignments and going every day, but I didn’t go at all the week before the
vacation, or the week of the vacation, and now it is spring break, so that’s
three weeks away. I’m working on getting excited about it – it’s a slow
process, but I felt really happy when I was excited about going to school
again.
Changing majors, while disappointing and stressful, has
gotten me excited again about what I want to do in life. I have decided to
follow my dreams. They aren’t lofty dreams, and the more I look forward and
work toward them, the more real and accessible they seem. That’s pretty
motivating.
I guess the past few weeks have been my opportunity to
really test all the psychological safety nets I’ve been getting in place for
the past five years. It was really scary going through that incapacitating
depression episode last Friday, especially since I don’t dissociate nearly as
much as I used to, and so experience it all much more intensely.
But I feel stronger just writing about it all. Also, I got
some new shoes to walk in – I haven’t been on my five-mile walk in about a
year. But my new tennies are super cute, and I think between them and my ipod,
I am going to be able to do my walks again, and they are really, really, really
good for my state of mind and body.
That will be nice.
For right now, though, I’m just going to get through right
now.
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