Part 128, or "its time to throw down"

I had therapy yesterday, and as soon as I got settled in, I told my therapist that I feel really good and like I don't really need to talk about anything. Of course, I knew as I was saying those words that something would come up that I needed to talk about.

One thing I found myself surprised to express in that session was how difficult this has all been. I feel now that I am in the light at the end of the tunnel, and I can finally get back to (or start) living my life. Where I am right now is what gave me hope the whole time I was working toward it. I haven't gotten here in the way I thought it would happen, and it has taken a hell of a lot longer to get here than I could have even comprehended.

I think if I knew how long it would take to get me where I am now, I may not have even started the journey. If I knew the pain and drudgery and horror the past six years would bring before it all started, I am sure I would be dead now, because I don't think I would have continued to choose this route. This route has fucking sucked.

And I know I am writing about it in the past tense; I do not for a moment think my life is going to be all shits and giggles from here on out, but I finally have a solid experience to proclaim is behind me. Six years ago (or was it seven?), I was tormented by a desperation I didn't even really know existed. I don't feel desperate anymore. I don't feel beholden to the past or to whether or not anyone else believes what I have to say. 

I don't understand how it is that I got this far, though. I mean, I understand the pain and agony of living this process...but I don't understand how someone so keenly pressed into a lifepath of misery and shame could have possibly been re-routed to where I am now. I was raised to hate myself, and to hate other people. My earliest directions were to have pain, to be hurt and hurt other people. I was taught from birth that hate and shame comprised the entity that is me. 

Where I am now does not happen often in the world, and I am actually quite shocked that my parents failed to make me into a snivelling imp. They were very talented and astute at turning a child's reality into a pit of writhing vipers. I mean, as far as brainwashing goes, my parents were the best. I would not have been surprised if, given positions of huge power, my parents were lumped into history with Charles manson and Hitler. 

In fact, I have specifically studied Hitler because he reminds me of my dad, and learning about his personality and actions and habits was very familiar to me. At the time it was exciting, but now I find the minds of charismatic sociopaths to be boring. They all seem to be very similar in a very rudimentary way, and that is all there is to them: a bag of tricks and snake oil, and the ability to peddle it to people who have desperation living in them, and there are a lot of people who fit that description.

This is not to say I am not terrified of sociopaths, because I am - body and soul terrified. They are very dangerous people who are very talented at hurting others, and who have only a longing for hurting others. Talent with a coinciding motivation is what greatness is built on. Whether or not the greatness is positive or negative is not really relevant.

But I have always been terrified, and I believe it is unchangeable. I will probably feel terrified for the rest of my life. But the thing about terror is, since I have been on such intimate terms with it for so long, it does not pose as much as a threat or hurdle as it used to - not psychologically, anyway. I believe it will be very difficult for anyone to intimidate me intellectually. I have mastered the art of bullshit, and now it has no power over me! Well, not very much power anyway.

When a manipulator's greatest weapon is fear, and I am already scared anyway, it takes some wind out of the manipulator's sails - what the fuck are they going to do? Scare me some more? The more scared I get doesn't affect my ideals and values so much anymore, so scare me all day long - no one can do anything worse to me than what has already been done, and I got through all of it the first time, so...yeah. 

Fear is the number one motivator. Its what money and power and religion and politics are all about, but in my recognition and acceptance of my own constant terror, and by allowing the whole world to see it all, I am finding myself free as a bird.

So, yeah, if you want to beat the shit out of me, I will definitely run away from you. But if you want to fuck with my head, good luck with that. My head has transcended the power of getting fucked with. The power in that is not that I am a threat to anyone else, or that I want to scare people or hurt people with my perspective, it just means that I am not going to automatically submit to anything I feel is in any way tainted with bullshit. I am free as long as I am completely honest, and honesty is not nearly as painful as being raped by my own parents, so I think I am going to stick with the honesty.

I do keep feeling uncomfortable using such terms of finality and confidence. I know it is possible - and that it most likely will happen - that I will get sucked into some bullshit and get my head fucked with again. It is a part of life.

But now I have the most amazing armor against bullshit, and I feel so much safer being in the real, live world. The world really has so much beauty, and I am very pleased to be able to see it clearly, without my fear holding me back.

Going back to whether or not I would have chosen this route if I had known what it was going be like, I do know that I would still go this way. All I have do is think a moment about what it felt like at the beginning, and I know I would choose this route again. But this route has still fucking sucked.