part 65

I cannot express just how much it means to have support from people. When I first began this process of recovering memories and dealing with things that happened to me and all of that other bullshit, I had a kind of expectation of support. I knew that people who experience the things I have experienced are treated carefully and kindly by mental health professionals and by the people who love and support them.

For the most part, that is what actually happened with me. There was an initial reaction of shock, and then sympathy, and then compassion from all of the appropriate people.

There are many different levels of “knowing” what happened to me, and of accepting it and processing it and blah blah blah. I know this very well as it applies to me, but the last year has also allowed me to get strong enough and healthy enough to see just how deeply my experiences have affected others.

I initially did not have the capacity to be able to have anyone lean on me with their grief or anger. I was mostly a puddle and completely overwhelmed by my own pain. After awhile, I was definitely able to recognize the pain of my abuse and how it affected people who love me, but I was not able to – or maybe not even willing to – empathize with any of them.

This whole process has been terrifying and exhausting and I really held tight to the notion that I needed to focus all of my energy on me and my own healing. I don’t think there was anything wrong with that – I believe it has been integral to my progress. I initially relied so much on the support of others to validate that what happened to me was real and was wrong, and that was necessary for me to be able to even stand at all.

I used to feel hurt and shame at supportive gestures made by other people, because even though they were so important and welcome, they reminded me that something so bad happened to me that people would react this way and be this supportive.

The support and reactions I got from other people allowed me to put my experiences into perspective, and that has not been easy to do. I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to be rejected and hurt and wrenched to pieces by people I have no other choice but to love and trust my own life with.

But that is what was real. I have been a victim. I have been torn to shreds in almost every literal and figurative sense. I have been hurt. I can’t heal from all of that if I don’t acknowledge that it happened to begin with.

I spent so much time and energy growing up convincing myself that what happened to me was not that bad, and was not that serious, and that I was only being selfish and feeling sorry for myself in those times I could not deny how bad it actually was. I believed I made those things bigger in my mind so that I could manufacture attention for myself.

I really felt like a bad person when I became confident about being angry and indignant about what was being done to me. I didn’t feel I had enough of a right to defend myself, to accuse other people, or to even trust my own perception of what is real.

I believed that calling any attention to what was happening to me was wrong or sick in some way. I believed I only wanted to feel important or to get away with things I shouldn’t have done or to get more than I deserved or to stand higher than I really was. The disdain I had for myself was completely consuming.

So when I did start talking about it all, the support I got reminded me that I was not bad or just trying to get attention or to stand higher than I really was. That support, as I said, validated my pain.

Lately I have been experiencing support in a different way – I have been reacting to it differently. When someone says something supportive to me, I can look them in the eye and know that what they are saying is okay to be said about me. I can acknowledge the evil I was exposed to and recognize that I was not evil. I can stand as high as I really am and appreciate that other people can see how wrong all that shit that happened to me was.

I don’t feel like I am obligated or responsible for making myself available to other people so they can lean on me now. I don’t feel like I owe it to society or god or anyone else to reach out and take some of the burden of other people’s pain over what happened to me, and I have not felt strong enough to do that without giving away the energy I needed for myself.

But I do feel strong enough to do that now – or at least strong enough to start letting that happen. My capacity for compassion and empathy for people who are hurt by what happened to me is becoming a concrete and viable part of my consciousness.

Recognizing that other peoples’ support for me is their way of expressing their own hurt and anger at what happened to me has allowed me to feel more compassionate for my own self. Acknowledging the hurt in someone else’s eyes and knowing that it is because of what I experienced is tremendously humbling.

It is a gift.

There are so many different ways that is a gift, and I don’t even want to bother trying to analyze and put it all into words right now (or maybe ever), but I am recognizing that I am not simply getting validation from other peoples’ support. I am getting power and strength and confidence.

It makes me want to support other people for whatever reason. It makes me feel good to know I can help someone else – really empower them- by expressing my support for them, by acknowledging that I might not know exactly what they are experiencing, but that I can see how difficult it is to experience it.

Having compassion and tolerance for other people, and being able to support them, is, for me, the meaning of life. I get more peace and serenity from it than anything else.

And I would not be aware of how strong it is or even how to do this if other people had not done it for me first.

Support means almost everything, and it comes in all different sizes and shapes. Simply smiling at someone is support, building a house for someone is support – whatever anyone has to give to another and gives them that is support.

It is overwhelming to feel all of the support I have from people, and it is amazing how much it means to me to be able to support other people, too.

Thank you with the utmost sincerity for your love and support – it is what healing is all about.