part 67

It has been awhile since my last post. I have missed writing things that I can put all out there. There have been a lot of things happening with me that concern some other shit that I have not felt comfortable posting to the public yet. Those things have been overwhelming the things that I do feel comfortable posting to the public.

Well, not “comfortable,” per se, but you know what I mean.

Fortunately, something happened concerning all of the shit I do write about on this blog, and so now I have something to write. Yay! No, really – I have missed this. It means so much to me to be able to get all of this shit out there.

I was talking to a friend about what it means to me to have this blog. It has been such a blessing in ways I had not anticipated. It is so liberating to give up control over what people think of me and of what happened to me. It feels really, really good to be able to be strong enough and confident enough in the truth to expose it this way.

I know what happened to me and I can write it down in this blog and people from all over the world can read it and think whatever they want to think about it, and it will never change that I know what happened to me, and that what happened to me was wrong.

I do not like being judged, and it is scary making myself so open and vulnerable. However, I am very much at peace with the knowledge that I do the best that I can do every day, and that there is no shame in that. I feel like I know who I am and that other peoples’ views can hurt me or can me feel really good, but none of it changes who I am at face value at any given time.

Anyway!

The thing that happened regarding the shit I feel okay writing about is that I saw a news segment about this woman whose daughter was molested by a neighbor. The woman – the mom of the little girl - made a big sign that says, “A child molester lives close,” or something to that effect.

She put the sign (it may have been even more than one sign) out in her yard for everyone who happens by to see.

She did not name any names, or give any other indication of who exactly this child molester was, just that there was a child molester nearby.

These signs have really sparked quite a heated debate on the right or wrong of doing such a thing. Neighbors are complaining that it makes them all look bad and reduces their property values. Other people are tremendously supportive of the mom and family and champion her actions.

I think what she is doing is super-awesome and brave.

However, when this story was being aired, a comment came in saying that what the woman was doing was wrong, because you can’t say things like that about anyone unless and until they have been convicted and proven guilty.

That comment stirred me up a bit, I think for several different reasons. One of the reasons it bothered me so much is that it is an accepted point of view in our society. I am a big advocate for due process of law, and the philosophy of innocence until proven guilty, but the person being accused in this instance is not being formally charged with any crimes and the mom putting the signs out is not a law enforcement entity.

The sign in that woman’s yard is her way of speaking out as a victim, and as the mother of an innocent child who was abused by someone in the neighborhood, and a way to warn other people. Someone close to her own home hurt her daughter in a way that will affect her and her daughter for their entire lives. Putting that sign out is what she has the power to do, and she is doing it.

The notion that a victim of any crime should not be allowed to publically accuse anyone of anything without enough evidence to convict that person of that crime is ridiculous, which leads me to another thing that bothers me about this statement.

I have really and truly believed that as a victim I could not speak up and say what was done to me unless I had irrefutable evidence to back it up. The demand for proof when anyone is accused of anything renders their victims powerless to speak out and to be heard as rational human beings. The person who was assaulted, or stolen from, or cheated must be ready to prove to the world that what they are saying is true, or their voices mean nothing.

When I look back and think of how afraid I was that I would somehow unjustly ruin someone’s life by telling what they did to me, I feel nauseous. When I hear people saying things about not accusing anyone of the crime of child molestation in any venue or medium until the accuser can prove that it is true, I feel nauseous and angry.

Why do I believe – like so many others in our society – that the risk to a person’s reputation is more of a priority than the healing of a hurt child? Probably I believe that because that is what I have been taught.

But learning that everything I was taught could be questioned and challenged led me to question and challenge what I have been taught, and I have come to the conclusion that what I was taught about keeping my mouth shut was wrong.

It was wrong for those people to do those things to me, and it was wrong to scare me to such depths that I actually believed I could not say the deeds out loud without fear of some real and systemic consequence befalling me.

It is a pretty big accusation to lay against anyone – that they sexually abused or otherwise violated an innocent person. It is also disgusting to hide behind the weight of such an accusation and what it may mean for an abuser when no consideration is given to the abused.

The phrase from that comment on that news story, “you can’t say that,” makes me mad. Of course I can say that. Of course a mother of a child who has been sexually abused can say that her child was sexually abused by someone who lives close to them. She can say in public or private or wherever she wants to.

It is the truth. There is nothing more real or more pure.

According to Gandhi, the truth is the only thing that can really be worshipped. That makes a lot of sense to me.

I used to have a sticker on my car that said, “speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.” I loved that sticker and I have thought of it many times over the years since I first read that quote and used it to bolster myself up to defend what I feel is right. It reminds me that fear – even physical, quaking and shaking fear – is not a hopeless obstacle to going ahead and doing whatever it is I fear doing.

I am scared to say some things out loud. I am definitely scared to say some things out loud that will piss off people who will want very literally to kill me for saying it. But that does not mean I “can’t” say it.

As long as it is the truth, I can say whatever I want to say. I do it all the time.

"Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind - even if your voice shakes."~ Maggie Kuhn