part 85

I don't want to cry. That's what its come to, though, and I don't want to do it. 

I am mad at my mom. I resent that I am not able to care for myself and my family. I resent that money will always be the very least of my problems. Why can't money be my biggest problem? Why do I have to have money problems on top of all this other shit?

I just need to rest. I have been doing really well taking care of myself- well much better than I used to. But I need to rest! I need to get out of this goddamn motherfucking hellhole of a town. 

I want to pack up Jonny and the boys and say, we don't have to worry about anything at all for two weeks. Let's get the fuck out of here and just go be alive for a little while.

It is so difficult to just be alive all by itself. It would be really nice if I could just be alive without all of this other shit.

I get upset with myself when I get this way. I hate feeling sorry for myself. Come to think of it, I don't really like to feel anything, but I'm getting used to the peace and calm- I would just like the opportunity to lay everything else down and feel some peace and calm.

Not forever, just a couple of weeks ought to do it.

I miss having a mom. I was just starting to get used to the idea that she could be someone I could trust and rely on when all of this shit hit the fan. It was nice while it lasted I guess but I miss having a mom.

I was getting used to having a brother and sister, too. I mean, actual relationships that brothers and sisters have that are good.

It was nice being able to think for a second that I had siblings I could trust- siblings that were not constantly walking on eggshells around me in case they let it slip that they really believe that I am a psychotic sociopath who is dirty and bad. For some reason I didn't realize that they were only treating me like they thought I was a decent person so that I didn't get mad at them for being the same cocksucking assholes they have been all my life.

They tell how my yelling terrified them when we were little. How scary it was just to be around me. 

And I feel bad about it! I apologized to them multiple times, but it didn't occur to me that they hadn't acknowledged jack shit about what they have done to me, too. I mean, I don't feel entitled to an apology from them, but I sure as hell don't want to have anything to do with people who think and live that way.

So I don't. I don't have anything to do with them.

But it still hurts. Its still just as lonely as it was when we were growing up. I still feel that I am somehow a dirty rotten selfish psycho, only out for myself, because that is what they believe. They both said as much in my last conversations with them. They were both trying to convince me STILL that that's who I am.

Okay, I feel better now. I've been typing this on my phone. I'm in my car in downtown Atlanta waiting for the traffic to subside enough to have an opportunity to pull off the curb where I'm parked and go home. Its starting to slow down now. Also my hands are cramping from using this stupid tiny keyboard to write a fucking blog with.

I am really glad I have it, though -my blog. It just got me through being overwhelmed with anxiety and getting really upset about how much my makeup will be messed up if I cry (which is actually a pretty effective way to keep myself from crying). It also let me get every last penny out of the parking meter.

Time to go before I get a parking ticket or robbed or something. I really, really love this city- it scares me much less than so many other things :)