I don't know why it is so difficult to understand the words "don't contact me, I don't want to talk to you anymore." Maybe the sincerity or reality of my intent is in question because the people I told not to contact me believe that I'm incapable of making such a decision and understanding the consequences of it.
I don't really give a shit if that is what they believe, or what they try to convince themselves to believe to avoid acknowledging what is real, or whatever. Even if I was a raging lunatic, "leave me alone" means "leave me alone."
It is just one more time in my life that I said no and someone else didn't care.
It really is shitty - I am having a really hard time separating myself from my parents and siblings. I am also feeling freedom like I've never felt before, and am able to relax a little because I'm not trying to analyze my every thought and move for any appearance of instability, or evil intentions, or for anything else that can discredit me.
I AM instable. I AM mentally ill. A LOT of people don't find me credible.
I have real diagnoses: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; Major Depression; Dissociative Disorder; Agoraphobia; Addiction; Eating Disorder; Anxiety Disorder - I'm pretty sure that is not an exhaustive list.
I often wonder why that list is not much longer, though, because OF COURSE I have mental health problems - OF COURSE it would not be completely unfounded if people perceive me as being crazy. I WAS REPEATEDLY RAPED AND TORTURED AND EXPLOITED BY EVERY ADULT AROUND ME SINCE I WAS A LITTLE BABY. I HAVE BEEN CONSISTANTLY FACING MY OWN MORTALITY SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID. WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I BE?
I have worked really, really hard to get to a place where I can function and care for my kids and my husband and myself, and actually make some substantial progress in the art of being alive. It takes a very careful balance, and that balance is always changing and evolving into more limiting and less limiting conditions.
But it's what I have. BALANCE. And I am sure as hell not going to give up without one bitch of a fight. This is no longer about the people who hurt me - it is about ME dealing with it every fucking second of every fucking day. I'm done trying to convince people that what I have seen and experienced and talked about is real.
I know it's real, and now I'm working on being healthy and productive despite it. I don't have any room for mind-fucking assholes, regardless of the similarity in the composition between their blood and mine, or what they think I might owe them, or how much danger they can convince themselves my children are in, or in any other way come up with some bullshit about how they have valid motive to interfere with my life.
MOM, JESSIE, NIK - FUCK OFF!!! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!! I HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE FREE FROM YOU!!!
That is all I have to say for now.
1 comment:
The fact of the matter, and you hit it early on, is that this is just one more, well, three more, instances of people saying that "no" doesn't mean "no," and invalidating what you say. And it just goes to prove what you've said all along about how your views on your abuse aren't respected by this group of people. That's about all I'm gonna say, and I'll just leave this one anonymous, cuz I think you can guess who this is...
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