So my sister - Jessie - is the latest to send me an email. No really, what the fuck?
My mom saw one of my kids in public and said hi to him, too. That really bothered me.
I feel like these are trivial things that don't warrant my anger and outrage, but these are the same people who have been trying to convince me that I am crazy and dirty, and now they are trying to convince me that I am dangerous, too.
It's also really bothering me that I am trying to set boundaries for myself, and they are continuing to think it is some sort of joke.
I haven't threatened anyone, at all, in any way. If I want to say my sister's first name in my blog, I'm going to say my sister's first name in my blog. If I want to write about them and how they are affecting me, then I am going to write about them and how they are affecting me.
The thing that scares me about them contacting me is that they seem to feel entitled to tell me what to do, and what is okay behavior, and what is not okay behavior. The reason that scares me is that I have always deferred to them in the past because I always believed that I didn't know what was okay behavior and what was not okay behavior. It also scares me that they are not getting that "no" means "no," as in, "no" I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore. Ever.
For example, when I first started trying to bring up my mom's part in everything with her, she would automatically get really defensive and tell me that she was completely innocent and for me to "deal with it." So I wouldn't press her at that time. The big difference between me confronting her in the past and the last time we spoke was that I didn't automatically take her word that I was out of line and needed to shut up.
My sister - Jessie - is threatening me with legal charges if I use her name in any form in my blog. She also said she will "press charges" if I in anyway - directly or indirectly - refer to her or anything about her, or anything within any proximity of her.
Another thing is that my brother and my sister have both said - and written - that they will take some form of retaliatory action if I do anything to my mom or her husband or her property, even though I have not so much as set foot in the entire neighborhood, let alone threatened to do anything. If I don't want to have anything to do with them, why would I interject myself in any way in their lives?
No, really - what the fuck? I asked each one of them specifically not to contact me or anyone in my family, but they all have anyway. All I want - and I feel I've made myself clear about this - is for them to leave me the fuck alone. It seems as though they are okay with leaving me alone under certain conditions, but if I do something to piss them off - which so far has consisted of me writing about them in my blog - then they can contact me all they want.
That's not how it works, and I am just starting to figure that out. I don't know why I am so scared of each of them individually - maybe because they each have different ways of getting to me, and they are really, really good at saying something without actually saying it, and then getting indignant at me for suggesting that they were really saying what they were actually really saying to begin with.
Its what they have always done, really. It is a part of how they try to convince me that what is real is not really real. I find it incredibly intimidating.
But all three of them coming at me at once - my mom, my sister - Jessie, and my brother - Nik, crosses some line with me and just makes me really emboldened to defend myself and my sanity.
I really don't like any of it at all, and as I mentioned before, I just want them to leave me the fuck alone.
I also feel like my blog is becoming my big whining channel, and that by writing about them and what they are doing I am simply being passive aggressive and childish. I think it's really obnoxious when people document every move and word of another person in order to convince themselves or someone else that the other person is somehow bad - it just takes up so much time and energy, and wastes so many opportunities to just breathe in and out and be alive. But that is what I feel like I am doing here sometimes.
I don't need to convince myself that they are bad, though, because I have already come to terms with it and know they are bad. I don't need to convince them they are bad because I don't give a shit what they think regarding me or anyone else.
Another thing - for some reason I am really terrified of looking foolish and malicious and childish and petty by writing about them here, and I am pretty sure they know that, and so assume they can tell me I am malicious and dangerous, and I will then do whatever they say.
The thing is, though, so what if I look really foolish and malicious and childish and petty? What if I really AM foolish and malicious and childish and petty? This is what: NOTHING. It is okay for people to think I am all of those things - its what people have been saying about me my whole life anyway, so why shouldn't I put it all out there? The only thing my blog changes about all of this is that I feel better writing about it all and then making it available to the general public.
That's it. It's not going to make everyone think that I am sound and faultless, and it's not going to convince everyone that I am not (nor have always been) a maniac. But it makes me feel better. So I'm going to keep doing it.
It's not like I have anything to lose, other than my supremely fucked up relationships with my parents and siblings, and I'm okay letting those go. I'm not doing anything wrong, dammit! This is what my inner-dialogue repeats over and over again all day long because I automatically feel like I am doing something wrong if I'm doing anything to defend myself. But I'm not doing anything wrong!
It doesn't matter what a shitty person people might think I am, or even what a shitty person people know I am - I don't have to prove myself worthy enough to justify defending myself.
One more thing that has been bothering me about my brother - he has asked me how he is supposed to believe what I say, and to continue to be angry with the neighbors, if I don't act in a way he approves of, but I don't care if he believes me, and I don't care who he is angry with. Where did that even come from? I have never - not one single time - asked anyone to believe me or to be angry with anyone else for what they did to me.
Why is it that my mom and brother - Nik, and sister - Jessie, all truly and sincerely believe that I give one iota of a fuck about what they think or believe or do? Why do they think they are in any way relevant in my life right now? SERIOUSLY - I really, really just want them to leave me the fuck alone!
That's all I'm feeling angry about right now, and I feel less angry now that I've written about it and am going to post it on my blog.
2 comments:
I think there are a couple of points that you've made here that are very important, and I want to also add something that I've sorta hung onto, so as not to upset you, but it's really bugged me, and I thought I needed to just point it out, and this seems about as good a time as any...
Again, granted, I haven't gotten to "the end" of this blog, but I consider myself pretty intelligent, and I also have a pretty good insight into the lives of EVERY single one of these people, including you. So, I suppose in a way, I could be biased, but honestly, I have no reason to be. As you said, by the time I get to the end, I COULD have views of you that are entirely unfavorable, but so far, I still find you extremely credible!
I may have been a "background player" in all of this, and I count myself as lucky, in a way, not to have dealt with what you did, but I wish I'd known, as this wouldn't have continued to plague you your whole life, that much I can guarantee. However, it all unfolded as it did, and that ol' hindsight being as it were, 20/20, I can soooo put many, many things together in that puzzle I've always carried around with me, wondering this and that and the other. What disturbs me so is to read that your family somehow needs concrete proof, as if you should need to supply it, that just saying ANYONE has touched you inappropriately isn't enough, nevermind that they were all a part of it.
And it also bugs me to no end that instead of respecting your inalienable (yeah, I DO believe that's the best word for it, cuz I believe a woman has a RIGHT to her body, her beliefs, her mind, and what she says can and can't be done to her, period--that includes who can and can't be around her and in her life, and that DAMN well includes her children!) right to say "I do NOT want you in my life right now--leave me the fuck alone." The fact that they simply won't take that no for an answer bothers me to no end. And don't get me wrong, I'm not here to just stand up for you and not take your family's side about anything. But here's the deal, they persist despite being told NO, and when anyone says no, ESPECIALLY to someone who has been subjected to abuse, torture, horror, rape, molestation, etc, and hasn't had what she felt was the right to control her life or her own body for her entire LIFE--her ENTIRE LIFE--this is a BIG-ass slap in the face. It's the perpetration and perpetuation of mental abuse, and it's inappropriate. THAT'S what I object to. I've said it at least once, I'm not here to judge your family--or you, for that matter. But I do find what you say credible. Even if I didn't, however, NO means NO, and it's gotta be respected. You (generically speaking) have to recognize that boundary, and your family just clearly doesn't, which says something VERY BIG to me...
cont... (wouldn't let me post all I wanted to say! lol)
I'm not sure that you wanna hear this, and I don't wanna hurt you by pointing this out, but I've considered this very carefully, and I've tossed it about in my head over and over, and I feel that I must say it. There are 2 very clear proof-positives if your family so desperately must cling to them. There are most likely 3 records that hold the keys to this absolute proof that Nik is demanding. I'm sure anyone can find a way to cast doubt upon it, if they really want to, but I can tell you EXACTLY how to come up with the records you need. You may have considered this...
But 2 incidents strike me as quite easy for you to be able to obtain that "evidence." One is your abortion. The records should still exist. And IDK for sure, but you may also find a way to obtain the receipt for the hotel room you stayed in... That would be the 2nd piece of evidence. The only problem with that would be that hotel records are rarely kept that long, and it's likely nothing was computerized back then. But it's an off-chance, better than nothing...
Also, it occurs to me that there's a good possibility that your ovarian cyst may have been an ectopic pregnancy. It might behoove you to obtain your records from that surgery, just in case. I don't recall if you said whether or not your father was still abusing you at that time, but if so, it's quite possible, especially since I believe it was post-abortion? It's possible you were told it was a massive cyst on your ovary, or that it was believed to be that, and then it may have been found out to be an ectopic pregnancy, or even that it appeared to be a cyst, and it wasn't, but it was an ectopic pregnancy. I believe ectopic pregnancies can occur extremely close to the ovary, so... It's just a feeling I have, but I'd wanna look at my records if it were me.
I'm sure that this will be extremely difficult for you, but at some point, it might be worth looking at... And if your family needs "proof," maybe that's what they need to see. Why in the hell would your father pay for an abortion for you? Makes no sense unless all that you've said has really happened. Why would NO ONE else know? Cuz you aren't the dumb bitch and friggin liar everyone wants to believe you are. How bout them apples? <3
Please believe me that I say all of that with much love and I hope it doesn't hurt you terribly. I know this was close to a year ago, and it may be something you've considered, and you really don't need to justify yourself, but I feel like this might be a way for you to do so, if you ever felt the need.
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