The hearing
on the temporary protective order against my mom was this week. I was very,
very, very nervous because she had gotten so huge and terrifying in my head. It
was the same way with my dad when I first started remembering all of his abuse,
too. It took me a really long time to get my dad back down to size in my mind,
but it didn't take that long with my mom.
I hadn't
seen her since I was able to get out of her mind-fucking web, and I felt like
she would be able to mess with my head in some way I couldn't protect myself
from. But she wasn't, and now she's back down to her regular size. A smaller
size, actually, because I am looking at what she is, and not at the person I desperately
needed to be my mom.
Jonny and
one of my best friends were there, and I very literally don't think I could
have gotten through it without them. My mom had a lawyer, my brother came from
out of state to be there, and my uncle was also there. I was very sad to see my
uncle - we have a lot in common, and I felt that he might not get caught up in
all of the dramatic bullshit, but there he was.
The last
few times I had spoken with my uncle were, I felt, good conversations, and I was
relieved that he still wanted to have a relationship with me and my family. The
last conversation with him though, started off strangely, and I got the
impression that he thought I was drinking again. I told him I had four years
clean and sober this past August, and I have been clean and sober since then.
I can
see that my mom (and/or my brother and sister) would suggest that I was
drinking again to make me look like I was more of a threat to her, and also to
discount my credibility. My mom exaggerates a lot - A LOT - and it isn't
difficult to imagine her exaggerating the possibility that I might be drinking
again into a fact that I was actually drinking again. Bitch.
Her exaggerations
are one of the good reasons I don't have a relationship with her any more - I don't
have to deal with her twisted bullshit. I don't have to deal with my brother
and sister anymore, either, and don't have the stress of trying to convince
myself that I actually like them.
I've
come to like some things about them over the last few years, but the truth is I
really don't like either one of them. My sister is terribly pious. She acts
like a little piece of her soul dies whenever I say the word "fuck"
in front her.
My brother
is just an ass. Seriously.
The last
time I spoke with him, I used the word "placating" - I repeated it
three times before I figured out he didn't know that word. I know a lot of
words (I'm not being sarcastic - my vocabulary is stupendous), so when I use
words other people don't know, I can usually just say other, more common words
that mean the same thing, and that's what I did when I used the word "placating"
with my brother.
He used
the word "placating" in one of the emails he sent me after that. I wonder
if he remembered that he heard that word from me - I don't think he did. I'm
pretty sure if I asked him, he would deny ever not knowing the word, and that I
am just making that up to be a manipulative bitch.
Until the
past couple of weeks, I hadn't realized how much time my brother thinks I dedicate
to plotting evil things against him. He really actually believes that things I did
years or months ago were to set him up to make him look bad now.
If he
cared about me the way he swears he does, he would have picked up on the fact
that I can't plot things - I actually am not capable of forming a plot and
remembering all of the steps in it to the end. I've tried. I do not have the
mental capacity - I'm not exaggerating - I actually do not have the mental
capacity, as in, my brain doesn't work right. I've always been like that. It's
the same thing with math.
It's
because of all the trauma - I have actual brain damage.
Anyway.
I feel
like this post is a big bitch-fest to antagonize my mom and sister and brother.
I'm okay with that. I really just wanted to write about the hearing, though.
The judge
ended up not instating an extended or permanent protective order, but I got on
the stand to testify, and he kept asking me questions, and I told him (and the
world - it was a public hearing) everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I told him
about the two big things I haven’t been okay writing about in this blog. After telling
the judge all of that, in a public, recorded hearing, I'm reconsidering sharing
those two big things here.
Hmm. Its
definitely something I will think about doing, but that is not the kind of
thing I would do without first consulting my husband and my therapist - it's
very, very, very, very fucked up shit. It’s the kind of shit that once its out
of the bag, it changes your life forever. It's pretty intense.
It felt
sooooo good saying all of that at the hearing, though. It felt safe. Even with
my mom sitting right in front of me, I felt safe saying it all out loud. So I did.
I didn't even care if the judge thought I was crazy - I mean, what the hell did
I have to lose? Only the opportunity to feel safe enough to say those things
out loud to the whole world. So that's what I did.
I kind
of felt like a little kid FINALLY finding someone who would hear what I had to
say, and who thought those things were just as terrible as I did.
It is
NOT how I expected that hearing to go, but I'm glad it went the way it did. Even
though I didn't get another order of protection against my mom, I feel like she
takes me seriously now. I'm hoping that will be enough to keep her from trying
to contact me or my family.
I guess
we'll see.
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