part 89

My brother and sister contacting me really shook me up, and then when my mom sent a text message to my son, it was like, "what the fuck?"

It scares me that I am telling them not to contact my family or me in any way, but they don't take it seriously. It seems like the only reason they even acknowledged my request to not contact me was that it was just a little game, one they would let me play out, but would definitely interfere with if I went over the line.

Also I think my mom and my brother in particular both feel they are entitled to contact with my kids regardless of what I say or do. That scares me, too.

I took out a restraining order against my mom. It sucked. The whole process sucked. But I'm scared, and I'm an adult, and I do have a right to tell her not to contact me and my kids, and that is what I did.

During the process, a lot of people asked me why my mom and brother and sister would still contact me or my kids after I told them not to.

I really don't have an answer to that question. I can speculate that they believe the inflammatory nature of my blog allows them room to respond and to defend themselves. I can also speculate that they think I am silly, and are not going to let my latest "tools of manipulation" interfere with their contact with my kids.

Outside of that, I feel the only reason they would contact any of us after I told them not to is to fuck with me.

My sister (Jessie) has said that she will always be my sister, and there's nothing I can do to change that, and that she will always love me. My brother has insisted that he loves me and wants to support me in any way (but only concerning things he feels are acceptable). My mom seems to think that if she puts the words "I love you" anywhere in a letter or other communication that it means everything she is saying is for my own good, and she's only saying it because she loves me.

But I think that if someone I loved and cared about asked me not to contact them or their family, then I would not contact them or their family. I might not know why they don't want me to contact them, but the simple act of saying "don't contact me" indicates that they are distressed by my contacting them. I don't want the people I love to be distressed, under any circumstances, even if it makes me look bad to everyone else.

They claim to love me and I have asked them not to contact me because it distresses me, but they have been doing it anyway. This says to me that they are all more interested in preserving their own egos, or continuing to attempt to keep all the skeletons in the closet, or are completely self-obsessed and cannot consider that the reason I don't want them to contact me is because it distresses me, and it doesn't really have anything to do with their feelings or wishes or beliefs.

In one of my last conversations with my sister, Jessie, I told her that at this time her feelings do not matter to me. I told her that because her feelings did not matter to me at that time, and because she uses them to blackmail me. I had been trying to talk to her about me, about what I was going through, but she made it about her.

With my brother, if I mention anything to do with even the idea that he was shitty to me at any time in our lives, he assumes that I am accusing him, not just wanting him to acknowledge that he has not always been perfect because I might need for him to do that so I can progress in our relationship.

With my mom, when I tried to confront her about her involvement in my abuse, she decided that if I didn't flat out accept that she has been the naïve dupe in this whole situation, case closed, that I am attacking her, and the whole thing is therefore, about her.

So I guess the reason they have been contacting me and my kids after I asked them not to is because they are seeing this as being all about them. The reason I took out a restraining order against my mom is because I know she will never acknowledge that she hurt me in the past, and continues to hurt me now, and as long as it is going to be about her and what she wants other people to think, she will continue to always hurt me and will not stop unless there are serious repercussions (like jail).

I'm tired of being hurt. I have a choice about continuing to be hurt, or to do what is in my power to stop it. That is all it's about - it doesn't matter what they want to say or to do, or whether or not people believe me or them, or whether the things I am experiencing are causing them to think about things that are unpleasant about themselves and their own pasts.

I don't owe them anything. I don't have to convince them that I have a strong enough argument to premise my distance from them. I don't care if they love me or not.

I just want them to leave me the fuck alone.